It is my busy time of year. My work includes coordinating and getting multiple classrooms ready, teacher training, communications and meetings. Every new program year I say that I am going to not have such a crazy schedule and be able to write, journal, participate in my online woman group and do my self care so I don’t get burned out. But alas, this year has been the most difficult yet. I am here before you, burned out and empty.
The last month, I ended up frustrated, angry and in tears many days. So many of the things that happpened were out of my control- mostly work- no communication and no staff support in my job; my mom’s Alzheimer’s has moved to the next stage; my sweet husband had hip surgery. I have become lost in the abyss of busyness, getting it all done. Here I am again in that place that is all too familiar. And then I got sick. Yup, in the midst of it all I got a terrible cold. The feelings of frustration and anger grew and grew especially around my job. I love my vocation but I must admit the atmosphere at my place of work is very negative, abusive at times, which I do not handle well. I began taking on the negativity, allowing my anger, frustration and hurt rule me -becoming someone I am not, a negative, bitter person. I thought I had found my voice, but instead I only could spill out negativity and bitterness. And then I had an “ah ha” moment- enough is enough- it is time to do that soul calendar that I have been talking about for months. I have again stepped into my old habit of thinking I have to do it all. It is time to schedule time for writing, journaling, visioning, and caring my self so that I can do the work I have been called to do in my life and my work without damaging my health (body, mind and spirit). Sound easy, right????
Ha!!! I had been thinking of myself as a recovering busyness addict. Busyness is what has kept me going for years- I am the ONE who can do it all. Balance the job, the kids, the home, the marriage….but what about my own self love and care? Opps…. who has time for that? I realized I was in trouble when I would wake up and not be able to get to sleep at night with anxious thoughts about my job or my health. In the still of the night, the fears that I stuffed down during the day- fear of success, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being liked, fear of rejection and abandonment- these all came up at 2AM- and my head would spin with fear, negativity and pain. I began again to believe that negative voice that I have worked so hard to overcome.
So here I am today. Saying “enough is enough”. Getting ready to open up my calendar to start anew. I am looking at my calendar through the eyes of my heart rather than my head. To say yes to those things that feed and nourish my soul. To balance those with soul tending activities. I know that my heart is big and that my tendency is to take care of others and give, give, give of myself until I am empty. I am not also including me in that care. Don’t get me wrong, I have done self care sporadically -the problem for me is that I have been so empty for so long that filling up my soul takes more than a few miniutes here or there. This needs to be a radical change!
What helps you tend and nourish your soul? For me, it starts with a daily ritual. It is that quiet, prayerful, meditative time in the early morning with my coffee, my journal and my readings. It is getting outside in nature and walking, watching the birds outside my window and watching the sunrise. It is then time with my husband to start our day. Then it is a gratitude list which helps keep me positive. The last piece in the morning is to pray over my to do list and making sure that it is realistic and includes self care and soul tending. I am a morning person and for me, this early morning time is so very important.
During the day, it is taking breaks to recharge. It is eating and prepping good, healthy food and getting out to exercise. Then when I get home, it is that transition time with hot tea and my dogs, and right now with my husband too since he is home for three months. Time each day for just being and having fun!
My days off have been spent with my Mom recently. She is still living on her own, but I do think it will be soon that she won’t be able to. It is holy time with her I know. There will be a time where she won’t remember, and I know that time is coming. This time with her is gift. However, I also need my time to write here on my blog, to do my visioning and online group work. My Monday and Thursday mornings needs to be that time for me.
My husband and I too are talking about what are the things that we want to do together to celebrate our marriage. We are both looking forward to our retirement years but in the meantime, spending time with our families, our dogs, and just being together is very important. I am blessed to have such an awesome partner who loves and accepts me. He is my treasure.
So what are my passions? What gives me joy? What fills my soul? Time in silence praying and meditating with God, writing and reading. Time with my husband, family and dogs. Teaching and worshiping with the young children in my care at work and lifting up families in my vocation. Blogging and supporting women in their becoming – hoping to develop and continue to grow this. I love to create sacred space for others. Dog rescue and support. Being in nature. Eating and cooking good food. Having fun and living a life of ease without a lot of stress. These are my soul priorities.
So taking in consideration my soul priorities and saying yes to activities that fit into those priorities while looking at the whole week and month is my action plan right now. I know I will need to make choices which will not always be easy for me. There will be times that I have to do things that I don’t want to- just the way life is, however, I will also balance those things with soul tending activities. Saying no is hard for me!!
I have a pink pen for my soul activities and a black pen for my work obligations. It is my prayer that the pink activities out number the black ones-I will let you know how it all goes.
Putting out to all of you my intentions for my soul calendar helps me to know that I am being accountable, being heard, and being honest, and true to who I am by letting go of what no longer serves me and stepping into my becoming!!
Do you have a Soul Calendar?? How do you balance your to do list?
How do you tend and nourish your soul?
Just Be. 